China August 2008
Regardless of what any Olympic publicity campaign tells you, visiting China is not for the faint of heart. It is a contact sport.
I went to Beijing last week, and little did I know that I would be competing in two contact sporting events, and losing both of them.
Silk Market Sparring:
I went to the Silk Market after dinner one evening for a casual browse. Casual Browsing does not exist.
I tried on a jacket, and was quickly committed to purchase when the saleslady told me everything I could possibly want to hear in one continuous sentence: “Oooooooo lady you look so pretty and so young you have boyfriend I know because you so sexy and jacket make you most pretty lady in china.”
Sold—round one goes to the Chinese teenager.
The trying on of the fake designer jeans was a whole different story. I picked up a pair and asked if I could try on. They held up a sheet in the small stall for me to change behind, with shoppers parading by outside. I put the jeans on, and after ooooohs and aaaaaaahs from the saleslady and a hard slap on the rump, I began to change back into my other jeans. When I had my pants down, literally, she said, “Let’s talk price.” How can you bargain when you are standing in a crowded market sans pants at the mercy of the saleslady not to drop the sheet and expose you? The answer is, you cannot. The episode ended with a few more slaps of the bum, and her walking me by the wrist to get more money from the ATM so I could get shamelessly ripped off.
Round two goes to the Chinese teenager.
Great Wall 100-Meter Dash
The second contact sport was a dash to the entrance for the Great Wall of China. I was in line with my colleagues, admiring the scenery and people watching. Behind me was a beautiful older woman who looked a little bit like a turtle. I was shocked that a woman her age was going to hike it up the Great Wall, and started thinking I should drink more green tea. She was so lovely. I smiled at her. WRONG MOVE. Apparently, she took it as a sign of weakness, and the competition began. She proceeded to shove and push and elbow me, and stampeded right past me in line.
The match goes to Chinese grandma.
It is payback time, Grandma. I am posting your picture so that the whole world knows how feisty you are. I win.
